This is a step by step generalized guide of what I did to stop, assess, regroup and restructure my life.
This is just what worked for me. YMMV. However, it may provide some insight into a way you may want to approach something like this, if you ever are interested in doing so.
The steps are as follows:
1) To stop accepting that My Life is out of my control
2) To retrain my thoughts
3) To order my life
4) Self-care through self-discipline
5) Acceptance that my previous beliefs are what have gotten me here
This will be a series of posts. If I tried to write it all in one post, it would turn into a book. 🙂
[Background/The Why]
Shit had just gotten BAD.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I was at a breaking point, an emotional wreck. I knew things had to change.
My interactions with people over the last several years had become all bad. Rudeness, disprespectful conduct, aggression, manipulation were the norm. This pretty much encompassed all areas of my life. From family members all the way to random encounters. Folks were battle ready and I was not prepared. Felt like I was under attack, from all sides, 24/7.
Some of my experiences:
– Being ignored or talked over while in conversations
– Folks walking away or starting to do something else while I was talking
– Being mad dogged by random people or challenged for no apparent reason
– being approached in aggressive and/or challenging tones during routine interactions
– Puzzling conversations started by racists with the obvious intent of getting a rise out of me or batting me down
– Belittlement of my ideas/thoughts in a brash manner directly to my face
– Being treated as if my existence as Who I Am was a burden, an irritant, or something to be ignored or erased
– Manipulation from people I would not have previously expected it from
There’s a lot more examples, including actual racist physical attacks, threats and harrassment, but this gives the general idea.
The result of these types of experiences was a gradual wearing down of my self esteem and confidence in Who I Am as a person. I began to doubt and question who I was at my very core. And as a byproduct, I began to experience a deep rising up of fear.
However, I knew deep down something was not right here. I knew that who I was, was not a doormat. I used to view myself as an inwardly very strong person. I also knew that Who I Am had essentially not changed. I purposefully made decisions, and took precautions, that would protect my psyche from the onslaught of media and propaganda, that I believed, was changing our society. At least I thought I had.
I shielded myself from regular TV (no sitcoms, no dramas, no REALITY TV!), social media (no facebook… no Instagram or Twitter until late last year) and at times took hiatuses from the internet all together for months at a time. I have been told I was like Rumplestiltskin waking up thinking it was still 1994.
I had not been asleep though. I was fully awake and aware of what was going on. I had just willfully chosen not to participate in it.
So with the climax of The Year of Aggression — 2016, who I was in the world (quiet, unassuming, drama-avoiding) became seen as weak, and ripe to be dominated and fucked with.
And to add another layer on top of this was my interest in studying the psychology and underlying causes of all the societal changes. The tone of what I read and watched all had an attitude of hopelessness running beneath it. (“Our society has been dumbed down!” “They’re leading us off a cliff and there is no way tostop it!”) I had unwittingly adopted this attitude too!
So my self-esteem/confidence was taking major hits, while at the same time, my belief system was telling me all was lost and there was no reason to fight it! (WTF?! Right???)
I was being CONQUERED.
[The Change Moment]
I was at an all time emotional low. I had backed my self up into a corner. And one day I just finally said “NO FUCKIN MORE!!! I can’t take this shit!”
That was it. It was like my Soul had reached up and grabbed the wheel. My ‘fight’ had come back.
I didn’t know what to do to get myself out of all of this, but I knew I was gonna fuckin try my hardest to find out!
I started writing and thinking and writing…
And what I finally came up with was the simple question:
“Why was I REALLY so UNHAPPY???”
And after MUCH soul searching, my answer was: Control. Everything surrounding Control. Loss of control, being controlled… every aspect of it I could think of.
But the main question was: “Who was really in fucking control here???”
And this led to my first decision…
1) To Stop Accepting That My Life Is Out of My Control
That decision was the nexus point that everything else ‘fell out’ of.
I realize now in hindsight though that I didn’t FULLY BELIEVE I could be in control of my life. With all the external circumstances going on around me (blatant accepted racism, the ‘new aggressive character’, the ‘gotta get mine syndrome’, etc.), I couldn’t see a way it could all play out with my Soul intact.
Deep down, I believed that old saying “If you can’t beat em’, you’re gonna have to join them”
In spite of that, I kept going. Something other than belief was pushing me forward here. I just HAD TO keep going with this. That’s what having no other choice does. I kept going out of desperation, and the will to SURVIVE as mySELF.
I saw a crack of light through the door and grabbed a crowbar.
I asked the Ancestors for help.
This led to my making my second Decision… “To Retrain My Thoughts“, which my next post will outline.
