“In an obscure night
Fevered with love’s anxiety
(O hapless, happy plight!)
I went, none seeing me
Forth from my house, where all things quiet be”
[The poem of St. John Of The Cross]
The Fool
Looking around the internet for a bit on info on The Dark Night of The Soul, the cultural definition has changed a bit. When I encountered it on the internet back in the late 90’s it was presented as a deep longing for some elusive truth. And through this deep longing, the Universe would take you through “some things” to show you exactly what you longed for.
I had no clue almost 17 years ago now that through one fateful decision, I would be starting a journey that would lead me off a cliff and into an abyss.
I was setting out as The Fool, willingly throwing myself into the Chasm.
The Upheaval
I’d asked to know something. Being fully aware of this Dark Night thing, I’d read of warnings about asking the Universe for answers to elusive questions. I did not care. My desire to “know” outweighed my rational thought.
I didn’t think much more of it until my life started to turn upside down. It was like a scene in an old movie. A bunch of gangsters grab a man they’ve been looking for who owes them money. They then proceed to hold him upside down, and shake him til everything falls out of his pockets. Only after they are emptied is he dropped to the ground, and allowed to go on about his way.
Scared, confused and all his possessions gone, he wanders down the alley dazed.
This is exactly what it felt like. What happened to me transformed me in a way that relentlessly hacked (and hacked and hacked) away at my life until only my Soul was left naked, confused and terrified.
The Answer
It feels pretentious to say that this whole thing was a part of some grand plan, but being where I am now, I surmise that it was. Here from this place, with The Answer I’d been looking for all those years ago.
And now that Answer is peeling away even more stuff solely with the Truth of it. It came wrapped in deep soul wrenching pain this past Spring. But over these past 8 months it has unfolded to reveal the most miraculous unbelievable gift.
From this vantage point, the way this all played out may have actually been gracious. I can imagine many other ways the lessons could have come. Much more painful ways that I cannot see myself having survived.
In my next post, I will be writing about some observations of my experience in hopes they might help someone else. I don’t know that if I’d have read what I am about to write, it would have helped me, but maybe someone less hardheaded than I will be able to receive it. 🙂
Hope this helps someone who may need it.
All The Best,
Tru
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